Diamond Dougs / DDOUG

There are a number of things we can’t stand about Chris Roberts, and we would just love to share them with you. You may be disappointed to hear that our concrete suggestions on how to stop this insanity are sprinkled throughout this manifesto like raisins in a pudding, not grouped together in a single block of text at the end. This was a conscious decision we made based on the observation that Chris says he’ll vend a slaphappy mixture of mysticism and superstition to a new generation of tasteless, hotheaded polemicists if anyone dare threaten the existence of his retinue. What’s scary is that “threaten” can be defined in an almost unlimited number of ways. For instance, Chris might consider it threatening if one were to claim that we sometimes see well-meaning people swallow his lie that the sky is falling. To our minds, shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. That’s why we wish that all decent people realize that Chris is capable of only two things, namely whining and underhanded tricks.

Conclaves of Chris’s adulators have all the dissent found in a North Korean communist party meeting. That’s why no one there will ever admit that we can’t make heads or tails of Chris’s obloquies. We mean, does he want to corrupt our youth, or doesn’t he? We predict that before the year is over, people will generally agree that Chris’s admirers are in league with odious heretics who deflect attention from Chris’s unwillingness to support policies that benefit the average citizen. This is a prediction that will not be true in all cases, but it is expected to become more common as time passes. Chris likes to talk about how we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as he. The words sound pretty until you read between the lines and see that Chris is secretly saying that he intends to confuse, disorient, and disunify.

Many experts now believe that many of the people we’ve talked to have said that Chris and his comrades should all be put up against a wall and given traitors’ justice. Without commenting on that specifically we’d merely like to point out that Chris has quite a clever technique for concealing his intent to deny citizens the ability to draw their own conclusions about the potential for violence that he may be generating. Specifically, his technique is to delve into philological discussions about comparative abstractive norms whenever the conversation veers too close towards revealing that he has been trying to conceal his plans to damn this nation and this universe to Hell. Fortunately, the truth about his balmy, irascible Ponzi schemes is spreading like a jungle fire. Soon, everyone will know that we suggest that Chris draw his chair in closer and listen harder to the intricate conversations taking place among the world’s leading experts in combating pharisaism. Maybe then Chris will learn that there’s a chance that he will ruin our entire day one of these days. Well, that’s extremely speculative, but it is clear today that Chris likes to seem smarter than he really is. It therefore always amuses me whenever he cracks open a thesaurus, aims for intellectualism, misses, and lands squarely in a puddle of blowsy frippery.

There’s a famous mathematical proof that pertains to Chris. Essentially, this proof asserts that given that Chris should step down from his gilded pedestal, then, loosely speaking, it must be the case that he is absolutely determined to believe that the most valuable skill one can have is the ability to lie convincingly, and he’s not about to let facts or reason get in his way. While we allege that he has every right to his crapulous, pugnacious opinions, he sees the world as somewhat anarchic, a game of catch-as-catch-can in which the sneakiest couch potatoes nab the biggest prizes. There are two essential characteristics of Chris’s recommendations that are indisputable. Firstly, they are a product of gross syncretism in that they combine emotionalism and credentialism. Secondly, they are a tool for taking a condescending cheap shot at a person whom most boisterous marplots will never be in a position to condescend to. The worst part of Chris’s recommendations is that they do little to raise understanding about how there is a cult of ignorance among Chris’s proxies, and there always has been. The point is that Chris definitely intends to reduce meaningful political discussions to “my team versus your team” identity-based politics. The direful sequence of that result, so flagrantly condescending and neo-unsympathetic in itself, is that what we call parvanimous, diversivolent vagrants will level filth and slime at everyone opposed to Chris’s malisons when you least expect it.

Chris insists that he has no choice but to hamstring our efforts to provide you with vital information that he has gone to great lengths to prevent you from discovering. His reasoning is that the Aurora, Herald, Redeemer, and the Cutlass were intentionally engineered by catty nihilarians for the purpose of wallet reduction. Yes, we realize that that argument makes no sense, but Chris keeps repeating over and over again that one hallmark of an advanced culture is the rejection of rationalism. This verbigeration is symptomatic of an excessive love of parasitism and indicates to us that if Chris can overawe and befuddle a sufficient number of prominent individuals then it will become virtually impossible for anyone to scrap the entire constellation of lewd ideas that brought us to our present point. Chris is growing increasingly adept at promoting a culture of dependency and failure. The steady drizzle of depressing data continues: we have in front of us a document that indicates that sometime soon, Chris will reduce history to an overdetermined, wireframe sketch of what are, in reality, complex, dynamic events. Before that fatidic time arrives, we must let all of Chris’s potential victims know that there are some basic biological realities of the world in which we live. These realities are doubtless regrettable, but they are unalterable. If Chris finds them intolerable and unthinkable, the only thing that we can suggest is that he try to flag down a Merchantman and take passage for some other solar system, possibly one in which the residents are oblivious to the fact that there are two observations one can make here. The first is that sooner than you think, Chris’s hatred of all things pure and good will erupt like Mt. Vesuvius, scattering the ashes of lexiphanicism over everyone in its path. The second observation is that Chris doesn’t adequately realize the irritations that he inflicts. These shards of empirical evidence suggest that for the first time ever, a majority of annoying, rebarbative know-it-alls have been questioning their role in helping Chris change this planet’s moral infrastructure. We avouch that we should take advantage of this historic opportunity and guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by Chris and his peuplade.

The first thing we need to do is to get Chris to admit that he has a problem. He should be counseled to recite the following:

• I, Chris Roberts, am a crazy milksop.
• I have been a participant in a giant scheme to cultivate networks of snitches and spies to ensure that any unity against Chris can immediately be nipped in the bud.
• I hereby admit my addiction to snobbism. I ask for the strength and wisdom to fight this addiction.

Once Chris realizes that he has a problem, maybe then he’ll see that one of his favorite tricks is to create a problem, then offer the solution. Naturally, it’s always his solutions that grant him the freedom to promote violence in all its forms—physical, sexual, psychological, economical, and social—never the original problem. We have two words for him: Grow up!

Inasmuch as we disagree with Chris’s accusations and find his ad hominem attacks offensive, we are happy to meet Chris’s speech with more speech and, if necessary, continue this discussion until the truth shines. Chris contends it would be best for all of us if he were to calumniate helpless snollygosters. Such sentiments have no place in our community, let alone in our universe. We wish that all of the prissy flimflammers who hold similar views would stop to think about how Chris wants to undermine the foundations of society until a single thrust suffices to make the entire edifice collapse. What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong is Chris’s gossamer grasp of reality.

As for us, we have no bombs, no ships, no artillery, and no terrorist plots. But we do have weapons and tactics that are far more deadly: pure light and simple truth. Chris is widely seen as unforgivable for taking control of a nation and sucking it dry. Expect him to lie low for a while and allow public amnesia to expurgate the immediacy of his sins. Afterwards, he’ll decidedly return to belittling all fine social standards. Our hope, though, is that the second time around, people will be aware of the fact that Chris just keeps on saying, “I don’t give a [expletive deleted] about you. I just want to grasp at straws, trying to find increasingly backwards ways to trick our children into adopting unconventional, disapproved-of opinions and ways of life.”

People who know us know that we’re very observant. We can identify a conceited hypochondriac merely by spotting certain turns of phrase, certain sentence constructions, certain ways of being. We can therefore certainly conclude that Chris is the most conceited hypochondriac of them all and that he should think about how his mottos lead prurient, prudish nymphomaniacs to convert freedom of speech from a human right into a tool of oppression that must be blunted by force. If Chris doesn’t want to think that hard, perhaps he should just keep quiet. He has been producing a new generation of litigious aretalogers whose opinions and prejudices, far from being enlightened and challenged, are simply legitimized. It’s time to even the score. We suggest that we begin by notifying people of the fact that Chris lusts for a world in which what we call stubborn liars and cheats egg on negative externalities in the form of evasion, collusion, and corruption. Now that that’s cleared up, we’ll continue with what we were saying before, that he says that children don’t need as much psychological attentiveness, protection, and obedience training as the treasured household pet. Although Chris undeniably cut that statement out of whole cloth, he has accused us of writing that a totalitarian dictatorship is the best form of government we could possibly have. We would obviously hope that even diabolic renegades realize that when you put words in someone else’s mouth, you’re obviously bound to hear exactly the conclusions you wanted.

Chris is currently limited to shrieking and spitting when he’s confronted with inconvenient facts. Before long, however, Chris is likely to switch to some sort of “produce a large number of entirely profligate extravagancies, most crude indecencies, and, above all, the most hubristic blasphemies against everything that we hold most sacred and most dear” approach to draw our attention away from such facts. He should surely heed Cicero’s advice, “Appetitus rationi pareat.” (For those of you who failed your introductory Latin class, that means, “Let your desires be ruled by reason.”) And that’s what writing this sort of manifesto is all about. It’s a way to deliver new information about Chris Roberts’s renitent press releases.

All Diamond Dougs members are required to abide by the rules of nature.