Interesting Tim3s Gang / INTIGA

These are the adventures of the mighty ships “Angry Pikachu” and “Anticipation of a New Lover”, and the ragtag crew of misfits, petty bandits and failed pirates on their Journey to save the galaxy and a few parallel universes … multiple times.

These are the tales of the devious man-eating space-crabs, fearsome zombie-hamsters disguised as space bikini babes, and all-powerful elder civilizations who don’t give a ****.

These are the tales of mighty artifacts which can annihilate any number of ships, planets, stars, galaxies, and in general any amount of matter and antimatter, not that it matters in the wider context of quantum realities and parallel universes, but in the fact of the matter, and in the context of this tale, it does matter.

The heroes will travel across systems, time, universe, multiverse, the 4 dimensions, the 5th dimension, parallel dimensions, all other dimensions, hyperspace, ultra-space and all other spaces, breaking hearts of the most desirable females, human, alien and everything in-between (*), while obliterating the bad guys and sticking it to the man.

These are the adventures of the best spacebro’s the cosmos ever witnessed.

(*) the specimens looked at least arguably somewhat female but the debate is still on-going.

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Cast.
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Mr. B: Weapon specialist and elite ex-special forces. Was kicked out of the army for taking a dump inside a tank. The tank was cleaned hundreds of times with plasma and all existing chemical substances, was completely melted and unmelted from the buyback queue with fresh cash. Yet soldiers kept fainting inside it. The high command decided to throw the tank into the sun, but nor ship would take it onboard. Then they gave it to Banu as diplomatic gesture. Banu fled the system and became wandering species. Then it was given to Vanduul, who sent it back and shortly after declared war on UEE. It was eventually decommissioned and sold on civilian market under “Nova Tank”. A nameless hobo bought it and parked it in the Terra’s junkyard which later became famous for its refreshing air and healing effects.
“Gotta tell you boys, I am shoot first, think later kind of person”.
HP: 10 000 000 – Weakness: none – Special ability: twitching trigger finger.

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Captain: Failed millionaire and philanthropist with psychotic tendencies. Devious iron-fist dictator and wonnabe-space-ninja.
“Let’s go in boys, in and out, like the Wind, like the ******* ninjas ….. — [Mr B: click] —
Captain: wt* is this s***? who is shooting?!!! are they shooting at us!!!??? ENGAGE ALL TARrr …. err KILL EVERYTHING WHICH MOVES!!!!! m*****f*****!!!!
HP: 2 – Weakness: unknown but any random object, person or substance can send him into a psychotic meltdown. – Special ability: big flappy mouth.

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Mr. L: an elite agent among space-faring crabs is able to impersonate any human by wearing a skin-suit. Years after the happenings, an in-depth investigation concluded that all good decisions made by cap, were actually made by the space-crab impersonating him. Apparently the captain was mostly napping…
HP: 13000 – Weakness: Fish tank – Special ability: all MK-X Ultimate Fatalities.

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Mrs. Y: evil zombie-hamster disguised as a space babe, seduces the captain, and uses him as a puppet and a play-thing for a while, until its weakness is discovered.
HP: 50000 – Weakness: hamster wheel – Special ability: pole dancing

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Pet Minion-X: unknown species with ever changing number of limbs and mouths. It is unclear to why the creature considers the crappers to be its sworn enemies and would fight them to the death. Which mostly resulted in s**** lying all over the ship.
HP: indestructible – Weakness: unknown – Special ability: attaches itself to the head of the cap, looking like a lovely haircut and makes the cap indestructible, but very bad-smelling (because of the crappers).

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Mrs. S: Summoned from a parallel universe by the cap in his wet dreams while Minion-X was attached to his head, 7of9 completely shuts down the cap’s advances, preferring the company of the 0.1 IQ sentient toaster. Unable to travel back to the Star Trek Universe, she made herself useful by training the Minion-X in MMA so the minion could finally stand a chance in its relentless war versus the ship crappers. However, a new deadly enemy has arisen for the Minion-X in the form of the boiling water kettle.
HP: 9999 – Weakness: stupid obnoxious people (the whole crew of Pikachu) – Special Ability: wearing starfleet suit garantees total dominion over all males.

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Boiling water kettle: ultimate nemesis of the Minion-X. Completely disrespects the gracious presence of X by hissing, spewing and spitting. Even the crappers don’t dare to spit on X, the minion assumes it is the ultimate big boss and attempts to finish it off with the advanced MMA technique known as a “PileDriver”. The defeat of X was instantaneous: it went berserk from the temperature shock, and ran around the ship at 0.1C for a week. The kettle showed to X it doesn’t **** around and establishes itself as the new boss of the ship.
HP: 1 – Weakness: cream soup – Special ability: long range spit.

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Toaster: upgraded (by 7of9) from a 300y old piece of utter junk to a fully sentient 9000 IQ DNA 3D printer. The toaster developped a bad habbit of sneaking around the ship and printing copies of the crew members. It also printed lovely doughnuts and to the delight of the crew, very soft toilet paper which cured hemorroids and other posterior inflammations. Eventually the toaster started printing bodies for itself and impersonating the crew, which led to completely ****** up social dynamics inside the ship, comparable to Bold & Beautiful soap opera.
HP: 2×10^72163476254 Weakness: dirty socks. Special ability: cloning.

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Chapter 0.1: The fearsome Mr. B

Emergency Emergency to all crew on the Angry Pikachu from the Captain!

I am still stuck in the toilet, this is no longer an emergency …. but we might have a bigger problem over there, on the Pikachu. Ship logs indicate whilst Mr. B was taking a nap in the pilot seat, a sentient zombie-virus entered him through a vodka bottle stuck in his mouth. The virus currently mind-controls Mr. B and he is on his way to you now … with a rail-gun, knowing him … probably with hostile intentions.
Please exit the showers in orderly fashion and resolve the situation. Unfortunately all gear is still being cleaned by Mr. W whose whereabouts are unknown at the moment, and only grenades are available. My men, I count on you to survive Mr. B’s onslaught and cure him with a grenade!

Good luck boys!
Captain out.

Update: M*****F*****!!!! Pikachu is on the collision course to the sun, and Mr B has the keys!!! **** Go get him boys!!!

(outcome will be known after the event)

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Chapter 0.2: Who stole my cup of coffee?!

Emergency Emergency to all crew, this is a message from Captain. Mr. W went AWOL, AGAIN, and stole the only cup of coffee on this forsaken planet! This *** ** * ***** !!!!!! Looks like these incompetent fools Mr. V and Mr. T are his accomplices this time, And they drove off with our URSA! My men, go after them and bring back the cup of coffee. Use deadly force and bring enough pieces of these ****** so we can put them back together and make them suffer.

Captain out.

ps .Not all pieces are required back, we’ll put some random trash into the mix. That’ll teach them!!!****

(outcome will be known after the event)

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Chapter 0.3: The handsome Mr. B

Soon TM. The crew goes bonkers when Mr. B transforms into a hot bikini babe after eating a space rat-burger. Mr. B kindly refuses the crew advances with a rail-gun. Last man standing gets the prize!

(outcome will be known after the event)

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Chapter 0.4: Mutiny!

Soon TM. Mr. J decides to take over and convinces the crew vacationing on the planet to take a few extra days off to socialize with local females. The Captain will try to land on the surface with his P-52 and punish the men with a whip and a bowl of s***. Shoot the captain from the sky before he lands and imposes his reign of terror and dictatorship. If he manages to land on the pad, the vacation is over!!! Give the captain the taste of your rail-gun and bullets while he shoots the crew without pity from his P-52’s gattlings. If the captain is defeated, his clones will take the Angry Pikachu and come down to squash the mutineers like pancakes. Save the vacation and destroy the captain & his evil clones!

(outcome will be known after the event)

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BOOK I: The Omega Directive. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter I. The battle of the ghosts.
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UEE Exploration Vessel “The Quietly Confident”, Carrack Class – location: classified – mission: classified.

Science Officer Dr. Prax Meng: … the object, whatever it is … is unlike anything in our database. it is connected to both higher and lower energy grids of the hyperspace … also … the traces of the background radiation … are older then the universe … fascinating. I need to run more tests Captain, a full spectrum wide band proximity scan. I fear …. we might be dealing with an OCP.

Gunnary Sergeant, Bobby Draper: OCP?

Prax: Out of context problem. It’s when …. you are are living happy lives in a cave hunting with sticks and stones [ smiles ] …. and then some weirdly dressed people come out a flying metal box with funny looking sticks, shooting lights.

Draper: …. fascinating indeed. So we are the cavemen here?

Senior Pilot Alex Kamal: You maybe. I consider myself a lot more sophistacated then you lot [smiles]

Captain James Holden: Enough. Prax?

Prax: We need this scan captain, this is something which might push us into the next technology age and help us win the war. We will use a drone, it will be perfectly safe.

Amos Burton, Weapon Specialist, UEE Fleet Black Ops Division: Caution, cap. We might be looking at some type of weapon here, a bom. Let’s call in big guns, our ship is not equiped to deal with this situation.

Holden: Agreed.

[- radar contact ] [ radar contact -]

Communication officer Clarissa Mao: Sir, a vanduul scout force of 2, Glaive class.

Holden: Huh!! …Perfect timing. [grins] All right people, change of plans.

Amos: Nothing we can not handle, cap. Battle stations!
Senior Weapons Operator, Havelock: remote turrets deploying, acquiring targets.

Holden: More will follow. Prax, prep the drone for launch. We must know what it is, and if we can move it or not.
We certainly can’t leave it behind for the Vanduul. Amos, mount a nuke on the drone [smiles]
Mao, signal the nearest ROG, we will need backup soon.
Alex, start spinning QT drives, we’ll jump as soon we are done here. 5 minutes!!!

Amos: Look alive people, this is what we have been training for! … on my way to the bay! [runs off]

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Vanduul scout commander, G’Kar: …. so, they are here too ….
Elite scout Z’Tyr : Seer, K’tul’s strike force is due to arrive shortly.
G’Kar: Follow my lead, we must secure the artifact and keep humans from escaping. Be cautious, my friend.
Z’Tyr: I am not dying, not here not today, seer.
G’Kar: GO!

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[ Rapid Offence Group ] ROG “Furious Purpose”
[ Rapid Offence Unit ] ROU “Attitude Adjuster”, Idris-K class. On-board complement: 3 E-warfare crafts, Warlock class | Escorts: 20 long range attack crafts: 12 Warden Class, 8 Harbinger Class.

Communication officer Drummer: Receiving top priority comms from the Confident. Patching directly to your mobiglass, M’dam.
Captain N.Mao: [calmly listens] …. no time to waste. All fleet, this is Mao, Initiate QT jump to the following coordinates, on my mark!

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Elite Vanduul strike force. “Frightspear”
[ Flag ship “Doomblade”, Void Bomber class ]
[ Escort: 80 Fast Attack crafts, Glaive class ]

Elite warrior Y’Tar, Windseeker tribe: Seer, G’Kar has engaged the enemy.
Vanduul commander, legend rank, K’Tul: Excellent, G’Kar won’t fail. Activate QT jammers as soon we exit. Prepare the boarding units.

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Havelock: these bastards are smart, they are staying at the fringes of our weapon range and slowly eating at our shields with their long-range cannons. Captain, permission to deploy the proto-M PDT.
Holden: Negative. Shields will hold for the time we need. Prax, how is the scan coming?
Prax: Data coming in and steady, need 3 more minutes Captain. I still don’t understand ….
Mao: QT wake coming in! Not one of ours!
Holden: Full power to shields!
[ The Vanduul strike force exits QT at 10km from the Confident ]
Alex: They are jamming our QT drives!!

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K’Tul: [open comms, universal translator ] Humans, surrender. There is no honor in killing you weaklings, don’t force my hand. Surrender. Now.
K’Tul: …. G’Kar, greetings old friend, retreat behind our shields.
G’kar: …. Master, this ship … it’s not what it seems …
Y’Tar: Seer, we have zero reading on their weapons and our scans can’t penetrate their cargo bays!! This is NOT a Carrack vessel !!!!
K’Tul: It is …. the Star-Killer. Stand down weapons. [open comms, universal translator ] Captain Holden, so we meet again.

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Holden: I wish it was under better circumstances, Seer.
K’Tul: I ask you to surrender Captain. Humanity is the plague to be purged. I do not wish your death Captain, we value your help in the past and there is a place for you in our Order, if you choose so. But I can not allow you to live as an enemy.
Holden: Seer, this war ….
K’Tul: I have seen the future Captain, your race will be exterminated.
Holden: ….

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Prax: … what, no…. Captain, our AI core is being probed by the artifact!
Alex: Losing power!!
Holden: Prax!!!
Prax: I can’t …. what … fascinating ….
Amos: We lost weapons! Shields going down!
Holden: Damnit!

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Y’Tar: they are powering down their systems, Seer.
K’Tul: Captain Holden, thank you … I guarantee the safety of your ship and crew ……
[ 890J exits QT in the middle of Vanduul Fleet. ]
K’Tul: !????
Y’Tar: Priority weapon solution on the target.

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[open comms, squeaky psychotic voice]: “WT* is this S***?! Mr. T, you IDIOT!! Where are we????
[open comms, calm almost robotic female voice] Captain, you are broadcasting.
[open comms, squeaky psychotic voice]: M*****F*****!!!!

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G’Kar: ….
K’Tul: Humans ….
Y’Tar: Seer … scans indicate exotic energy particles and abnormal temporal distortions on-board.
K’Tul: Stand down weapons, they are no threat to us, their QT drive is jammed, launch the boarders.

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Prax: …. The artifact is data beaming to the 890J …. Captain! Our core AI is being completely overwritten, I can not stop it!

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[open comms, squeaky psychotic voice]: YOU!! Vanduul F******, stand the F*** down, or I will F*** YOU UP. Mr.T, JUMP NOW!”
[ 890J jumps to QT ]
K’Tul: .. !?

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Holden: Well, that was interesting… who …
Mao: Records indicates the ship belongs to a petty criminal by the name of…
Holden: Mao, hold… Alex, can we jump?
Alex: No go cap, all QT fracture frequencies are still jammed..
Holden: Not to this clown… Amos, prepare to deploy the Alchemist.
Amos: [big smile] Yes, sir!
Holden: Don’t sound too happy Amos, we are about … to do something terrible.
Amos: I live for this sh*t, Cap. … bypassing the AI core …
Mao: QT wake coming in, one of ours!!!

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[ ROG “Furious Purpose” exits QT in-between the Confident and Vanduul fleet ]
Mao: Engage all hostiles, weapons free!! Target the bomber with the Exodus.

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K’Tul: Fleet, destroy the humans. Do NOT target the Star-Killer.

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Holden: [open comms] STOP !!! ….
Mao: QT distortions all around us …. Captain!!
Holden: We need power, NOW. Prax, dump the core!!!
Prax: … I can’t…what …. [ manipulating the AR interface ]

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[ Unknown fleet warps in, hundreds of ships of unknown configuration, completely surrounding Humans and Vanduul. ]

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Holden: Finally … they showed themselves.
Amos: These f*ckers are here to watch us kill each other, cap.

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G’Kar: !!!!!!!! [ powers up weapons, targets one of the unknown ships ]
K’Tul: G’Kar … stand down!!
[ G’kar breaks off formation and charges into the unknown fleet. ]
Z’Tyr: Attack pattern Delta, Seer. [ follows G’Kar ]
K’Tul: Ash’tar almighty …. Fleet attack! Destroy the humans. Zeta wing, disable G’Kar’s ship!!

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to be continued